:-\

Anxiety and depression both stink.  I have been sliding out of it with the help of therapy and medication, but I cannnot control the sadness around me.  This past weekend was the recent topper.  Because of this big snow storm I opted to go with my husband, daughter, and dog to visit MIL all because she has a bladder infection and needed someone (my husband) to drive her to the hospital for her intravenous antibiotic.    I debated, I could have stayed home but I didn't think I had the strength to do the daughter and the puppy on my own during a huge snow storm.  My car is not snow friendly, so we would be house bound.  What if a MS seizure reared its ugly head?  Ok, it's been 6 years, but that still scares me.  Anyway, we went to her house.  I learned that she is quite the pack rat.  There was so much junk in her house, every drawer was filled with something.  And she lives in a small ranch house (BTW, it will be up to us to get rid of everything).  I may complain about the split level we live in, but it is a huge house in comparison.  Anyway, so she is was worried and anxious about getting the the hospital for her medication in the midst of this huge snow storm along with knowing she has a few more months to live, and my husband is depressed because his mother is dying.  I have my own chronic illness and have been fighting off depression myself.  \    

I did drive to my best friends house last week (high speed road), and then going home I had to 2 panic attacks so I had to pull over.  Ugh!  The therapist has suggested that I meditate in the car so I have positive associations in the car.  I tend to have lack of control feelings in the car.  I did do some internet searching a learned driving anxiety is not that odd.

This and That

So, school is back in session.  I'm in love with our five month old puppy but she does need a little more training so I'm going to sign us up for a mommy and me training class.  This dog is my little buddy, she follows me everywhere, I just need to get her to always respond.  She wants to, just how to accomplish.  I will guiltily admit we are an only child household and I got myself a puppy to feed that baby need.  I love this dog, and yes, she if my baby as much as the 6 year old is.

Winter break stunk

Christmas was fine.  Meal went off without too many hitches.  I went to Christmas Eve service at a new to me church in the area with my parents.  The church was great.  It's a Lutheran Church and I was raised and confirmed in a Lutheran Church so it was very comfortable for me. My MIL was here and stayed over-night.  She is not an easy guest.  She observed me doing this thing...choosing to go to a new church.  She was unable to go to any church because her health issues have been difficult.  She was not producing healthy blood cells so she was at a high risk of getting sick.  Also known as myodispasia (sp?).

She went home, and 2 days later went to the hospital for a bladder infection.  She was in isolation, and if people visited they had to put hospital gowns and wear a face mask.  We were worried she would not recover.  My husband who is an only child was not pleasant to live with.  Last week when I said I was going to church on Sunday at the Lutheran Church he asked if I was willing to try another Catholic church...the last one in the area we haven't checked out.

We have been married since 1999, got married in my Lutheran church with a priest also.  I have no desire to convert.  It is too strict, and judgmental.  There are so many rules to follow.  I keep thinking, ok the bible says same sex couples should not be married, but I don't agree.  I am not gay, but it really bothers me that there are many restrictions for those who are.  For example I tried that one church, it was a very devout christian church, the people were fantastic, they had a great Sunday school for kids, but when I learned they voted as a church to not allow same sex marriages to happen in their church I could not become a member and still live with myself.  I didn't confront anyone and ask what they would do it it was their son or daughter who realized they were gay?  Would they not want anything to do with that person?  Would they love that person less?  Would they think that person was going to Hell?  I believe we are God and Jesus loves all of us, homosexual or not, that he loves us with all our imperfections and issues.  Stepping off of my soap box.

Anyway, I've been going to a very liberal Lutheran Church.  Happily making acquaintances and enjoying myself there.  When my husband ask me if I would give the last Catholic Church in the area a try?  Why is he asking, I wonder?  He would show any interest in a church at this point.  It was not until I finally decided to investigate and look into a church for myself.  A church that I liked a lot. A church that reminded me of the church I grew up going to.  So, I finally asked him if he would compromise.  We would not join any church.  We could do every other week, 1 and catholic (which I am not comfortable with as we have not able to find a low key Catholic Church) and 1 at Lutheran (which is much more low key and your child does not have to sit still, your kid is given crayons and stuff to color and there is a portion that is on the floor for kids).

So I am trying to come to terms with the fact that my MIL is influencing my husband even now since she saw me going to the Lutheran Church over Christmas.

The Holiday Menu...

Trying Christmas Dinner together.  My mom is making the SIL her vegetarian dish.  My  parents got a ham free from the grocery store and it's been in the freezer since November.  It will be my parents, SIL, brother, MIL, me, husband,  and daughter.  A whopping 7 of us.  8 if you count the dog.  So far I have ham, a sweet potato dish (will be trying it this week), string beans, a salad, rolls, we made chocolate chip cookies today, and will be doing butter cookies this week (dough is made).  I have to come up with appetizers, and we have to figure out drinks.  Sigh.  I so did not want to host.  I suggested we do out to dinner.

Oh, next door neighbors got another dog.   Guess it was too much work to play and exercise their dog on their own so they got a second for the 2 too play together.  Sigh...

looking for zen dammit ;-)

I'll take a moment to gripe.  Our puppy has decided it is so much fun to go under the next door neighbors chain link fence.  I drive have to drive over to get her since it's around the corner and the yard is fenced, see the neighbor and their son in the car in the driveway.  Sigh, not being discreet.  Had to explain, the son and I walked into yard and Belle has gone under the fence again and out to our yard.  Peachy.  I drove back to our house and met her in the garage.

Now on other side they have a dog, named peanut butter.  PB is always outside and he barks nonstop.  PB has found a way out of their yard a number of times gone to our house, and the house across the street.  My friend was out walking her dog and I ran into her, apparently she had called my neighbor (no clue how she got the phone number since neighbor won't give it out) saying that she had returned PB 3x.  Neighbor apparently had blamed US for their dog escaping.  Um, we didn't fence our yard for Peanut Butter.  We fenced it for Josie.  We thought it would be ok for Belle, but she is little and has figured out escape artist tricks.  Are we blaming our neighbor? No.  We are fixing the issue and will be making a trip to H.ome Depot for supplies today.

On the plus side I am done Christmas shopping.  They're all wrapped, I wrapped at the Mom Matters meeting and disposed of the santa paper there :-) because the kid it to freaking smart.  The santa items are locked in my car trunk.

I've decided to look for a church for myself as a way to make friends, remember all that I am blessed with, and because the MS seizures have not left me with much memory so I have to re-learn...I was a sunday school teacher in high school.  I went to a christian church last week, the people were VERY nice and I liked the bible study then I learned that the congregation had taken vote against same sex marriage.  I then left with mixed feelings.  I am aware of the bible verses that against homosexuality, but at the same time your can find bible verses against so many things , you can spin or interpret the words however you would like.   In my mind, it is more of a morale issue than religious.  Basic and simply put God loves all of us and accepts us for who we are.  I don't think of it only loving and accepting you if you're in love with and spending your life with someone of the opposite sex.  I do not want to be believe in a god that is so cruel and mean...

Anxiety...

Anxiety affects all of us differently.  In my case I have always spoken at a rapid pace, but since life, MS, and a kid who is not a placid little one I have found that now I really speak FAST and more and more people were asking me to repeat what I said.  Then my husband told me that not only was I speed talking, I was speaking at a very soft volume so no one could hear me.  My mom stopped by for here weekly visit with a Mayo Clinic letter about soft talking being a MS symptom so I bit the bullet and went to see a speech pathologist on Monday.  We are working on slowing my speech down so it will be more understandable.  She asked me if it has always been a problem, and after thinking about it I realized I didn't have any speech issues when I was working since I had been an administrative assistant with receptionist responsibilities.  So all I can assume is that I began having speech issues 6 years ago.  Now I have speech therapy homework.

Today I had my 3rd appointment with the new psychiatrist.  She put me on Effe.xor which reduced my anxiety A LOT.  The tension headache left, I'm feeling more relaxed, no more panic attacks in the car.  Downfall?  It makes me feel sick to my stomach.  Not all the time and I can't seem to pin-point exactly when and what I need to eat to not feel sick.  So today she suggested I take it in the evening after dinner (on a full stomach) and if that doesn't help open the capsule and sprinkle the medication  on food.  So I have 4 weeks to try that and see what the results are.

She pointed out my lack of typical emotions when talking about my issues.  I smile as I talk about negative upsetting things.  Not sure what to make of that.  I noticed that at meditation class.        

The say the darndest things...

The 6 year old had a talk w/MIL today.  She asked her how she was doing and if her dog was less fat?

:-)

Who else can I brag to?  My husband got a promotion today!  I am SO proud of him!   

On another note, you have a simple simple recipe with ingredients you always have (or so you think).  In this case sloppy joes for dinner.  Brown the meat only to realize we are out of brown sugar and mustard.  Things we always have ;-).  Well maybe not always since we didn't have it and I just ordered pizza, we'll use that browned meat for sloppy Joes tomorrow.  

The 6 year old went to her therapist today and the therapist said it was like a different child today, that she was so calm and focused, she shared what happened at school today, etc.  Yup, she's not predictable.

Big news!

We have a new little one in our house.  No no, no, a puppy.  She's beautiful!  A black lab and something else mixed.  A furry little energy machine that races around like crazy then crashes for a nap.  She has a little white on her nose, her paws, and a diamondish shape on her chest so we named her Belle.  

Now our human baby is doing really well at school.  She loves her teacher!  Her 504 plan meeting was scheduled and her teacher met with us right after.  Her new teacher was very positive UNLIKE last years teacher who only pointed out negative things.  At her kindergarten conference the teacher to my husband and I that based on her IEP from pre-school she wondered what kind of kid the district had given her then she went on to say that she turned out to be a wonderful girl to have in her class.  What a way to give a backwards compliment?  And the whole time we were in the conference we saw her looking at her laptop and over our heads at the clock...a back and forth eye pass.  What a way to make parents feel as if you are counting the 15 minutes allotted for the conference.  This years teacher, had a long talk with me when I dropped off juice boxes for the Halloween party and when she heard my husband had to take time off of work for the 504 meeting  she offered to combine the conference so he wouldn't have to take time more time off.

However, the 6 year old munchkin who I have been raving about is very anti-homework after school.  My husband is the homework intigator and she has SO much anger toward him, punching, hitting, and yelling so she is now seeing a therapist covered by our insurance.  Works out since she's an art therapist.  We shall see how it progresses.   

Puppy

Ok, so most have a second child.  We decided there was no way we could afford another child, both mentally (opposition and ADD take it out of me) or financially (college has become very pricey) so we opted for a puppy. So now I'm a puppy parent and we are potty training. UGH!  She is VERY sweet though.  Everything I wished our previous dog had, except the previous dog was easy to potty train.